Thursday, February 9, 2012

None For Me, Thanks

On this chilly and sleepy morning, I found myself stumbling around the interwebs on some blogs of people I've never met.  A few of them were mothers, who blogged about their pregnancy and their life as, well, mothers,  and it got me thinking of how much I never want children.

Oh, sure, I think some babies are cute (not all of them.  Some of them need to grow into their Mick-Jagger-esque mouths or Mafia-boss-noses).  I think small children are adorable all dressed up and smiling.  But that's about it.  That's where my baby-and-children loving stops.  I could very easily go the entirety of my life satisfying my desire to buy cute tiny clothes as gifts for children of my friends and family, and then send them back to said friends and family when they get smelly, sticky, or whiney.

Firstly, not all babies are cute.  I'm not sure if I could bear the thought of birthing an ugly baby.  There, I said it!  And I KNOW I'm not the only one with his fear, I've read Mommywood by Tori Spelling and she was concerned about Stella's nose, too!  (Her children fall into the adorable category, by the way.)  Which brings me to my next reason I can never have children.  The whole birth process is disgusting and painful and sacrificial.  Giving up 9 months of cold cuts and coffee and wine and eggs Benedict just to spend 12 hours in excruciating pain shoving a watermelon-sized wailing thing out of a hole the size of an orange?  Now, if you've ever spent time in the produce section of Publix, you can imagine how painful that could be.  Did I mention no coffee or wine for 9 entire months? 

I get that the whole being-a-mother thing is supposed to be rewarding and selfless, but you have to admit that vacations are a lot easier without toddlers wailing on an airplane or pooping in a resort pool.  (My mom discovered children's Benadryl when she used to fly with my sister and I.  Well played, mom.) 

Children cry.  A lot.  They cause your boobs to sag, and probably a lot of other things on my body that I couldn't even imagine sagging.  They cause grey hair, and even baldness.  They swallow bugs and small toys.  They go from happy and giggling to vomit-machine in a split second.  Somehow, even though every time you feed them more mushy carrots end up in your hair than in their mouths, they have to have their diapers changed approximately ever 8 seconds. 

Did I mention that you can't drink coffee for 9 months?  And during those 9 months you will swell like a balloon and throw up every morning and you'll have to pee every 4 minutes because a fetus is kickboxing on your bladder?  Don't you want to rush right to your gynecologist and have them stick that fish-hook-looking Mirena thing up your hoo-hoo right this moment? 
Obviously I wouldn't be here if my mom hadn't decided to go through all that agony for me and my sister, and I'm incredibly grateful for that.  Just for now, and for a long while, my view of children is the same as my answer to an offer of shrimp cocktail: none for me, thanks.


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