Friday, February 3, 2012

Dear Delta, You Suck

I despise airlines.  No, I am not afraid of flying.  I've actually been on airplanes quite a few times in my life.  I understand how they work, I can navigate my way around an airport on my own, and I've even managed to successfully sneak a Cuban cigar past customs.  (I'm a bad ass, I know.)  No, I am not travel-challenged.  The issue is that so many other people in airports are. 

Firstly, why the hell are flights so expensive?  I mean, I understand those giant metal tubes are heavy and require a lot of fuel to fly up in the air successfully.  I don't want Southwest cutting costs buying the bargain gasoline or the alcoholic pilot.  Aside from fuel and paying the employees, what else does all that money go to?  Definitely not those paper-thin "blankets" they give you.  I understand that building an airplane is costly, but how many of you have been on a really up-to-date plane?  Pretty sure the last time I flew to Boston the seats were still that ugly navy color and the plane was built back when smoking was allowed on board, all they did was super-glue the ashtray closed.  So really, my money isn't building better planes.  You don't even get peanuts anymore.  Pretty sure the snack I got last time was a "package" of pretzels.  AKA three pretzel crumbs and a ton of salt.  I was so hungry I ate the salt.  And then I had to buy a $6 soda because I was so thirsty.  Which then made me have to pee, so I went back to that thing they call a bathroom, which is really just a closet with a hole that I'd assume just sucks toilet paper into the sky.  Terrifying.  Dear Delta, spend some of those arms and legs your charging me for flights on a bathroom renovation. 

As if the actual accommodations of the plane weren't horrid enough, I then have to deal with the hoards of tourists and inexperienced travelers.  Living in Micky Mouse's back yard means that any time I fly home from a vacation, I'm stuffed next to grandma and her whole family from North Dakota who decided to fly on the giant eagle int he sky for the first time and bring their practically albino family to DISNEY LANDDDD.  Firstly, quiet down, I can hear you over my iPod blaring.  Secondly, please tell your child to stop kicking and pushing my seat or my first will.  Third, when we pull up to the gate, grab your belongings and use those two legs God gave you to quickly get off. 

Seriously though, shave some of those hundreds off my flight price, I'll spend it on in-flight wine, and you can just watch your customer satisfaction ratings go up. 


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