Monday, March 26, 2012

Who Invited Karen?

Alright.  I'm going to start this week off with some cold hard realizations right now.  I hope you're ready, because this just needs to be discussed, Coffee and Dinosaurs style.  If you haven't seen the old Dane Cook sketch about the friend nobody likes, you can watch it here.  You guessed it, ladies and gents... today, I'm talking about Karen. 

I don't actually have a friend named Karen, but everyone knows which friend I'm talking about.  Those people who somehow always end up being invited to parties, yet no one actually wanted them there.  They are annoying in ways you didn't even know were possible.  There's a 99.9% chance Karen is causing drama, and it's almost as likely that she's flirting with your boyfriend or moving in on a guy she knows someone else is interested in.  No matter what you do, though, you just can't shake off Karen. 

You and your friends might nickname her the Psycho Space Invader so that you can alert each other when she's approaching you in a dark bar.  You need the heads up to brace yourself for the whiny conversation about how her boyfriend hates her that is about to come.  Seriously, though, how does Karen have a boyfriend, and you don't?  Don't even try to act like that isn't going through your head.  To be honest, Karen's boyfriend is probably the male version of Karen, and if he wasn't before, he is now that he's with her.  And before you criticize me for being mean about someone who is probably a very loyal and nice friend, stop. 

Karen is not nice.  Or loyal.  Remember the whole stealing-your-man thing?  As in, she will walk around topless in front of your boyfriend on purpose.  And did I mention that when she invites herself to hang out with everyone, she's usually the one talking crap about everyone who isn't there?  Yep, she's always ready with a derogatory comment about that dress looking bad on you or ready to remind you of that one time you got a little obnoxious at a party.  And God forbid some sexy man buys you a drink at a bar instead of her.  She will pitch a whining fit until you leave with her, sexy-man-less.  Seriously, Karen, no one likes a Debbie-Downer 24/7, so don't get all wondrous when no one answers your pitty-party texts. 

Yeah, Karen sucks, and somehow we just can't get rid of her.  Karens are impervious to even the most obvious of hints.  Trust me, I've tried.  I don't play this whole pussy-footing-around game.  I once got the Karen kicked out of a bar.  It was totally justified.  She slept with the guy I had been dating.  (I got him kicked out, too. Rude.)  Somehow, she still tries to hang out with me.  I can't be the only one with a Karen or two in my circle of acquaintances, can I?


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