Friday, April 27, 2012

Toolbags in Their Natural Habitat

Sorry for not posting for a while.  I'm finally done with exams, and school, and homework, and studying, and tests... forever.  Or, at least until I decide to go to grad school.  But, basically, forever.  I spent today by the pool.  I'm slightly burnt, but the people watching made it all worthwhile.  I felt like Steve Irwin, just instead of crocodiles, I was observing douche bags in their natural habitats.  Funny thing is, all winter, I never really see the  hair-gel-faux-hawk-hairstyle-huge-tattooed-arms-diamond-earring guys around.  Then pool season hits, and boom, there they are.  In flocks.  Do they migrate south for the summer?  You now who I'm talking about, too, so don't even act like I'm exaggerating here.  If I wanted to talk to one of them, I wouldn't even have to ask his name, it's tattooed across his shoulders...

At one point, I overheard this conversation:
Bro 1: "Just chicken and rice, bro, no tomatoes, no cheese, just chicken and rice, that's it."
Bro 2: "I don't know, bro, that's too complicated, text me bro."

You're kidding me, right?  You can't remember his two ingredient Chipotle order?  To top it all off, when Bro 2 brought the Chipotle back to the pool, I witnessed feeding time at the guido zoo.  Ravenous bros shoveling burrito bowls in their mouths hunched over a deck table covered in crushed beer cans in a scene I would only imagine took place in a movie.  Except it was real life.  After feeding time, they returned to the pool, not waiting a half hour before swimming.  I was skeptical about going into the water myself, worried that the douchebaggery was contagious and I would emerge with a tribal arm band tattoo.  In the pool, the tool bags flirted with girls who looked like relaxing by the pool on a cloudless day was torture.  Seriously, they were drinking beer and looked miserable.  Pretty sure if they pushed their boobs any further out of their triangle bikini tops, their nipples would be floating around in the deep end.

My friend and I finally had to leave when the guidos ran out of beer and a steroid-fueled riot seemed to be on the near horizon.  We wanted to avoid the stampede as the male douche bags headed to the gym to lift weights, bro, and the females went to add another layer of make-up before reuniting at the trashiest bar to get obscenely drunk and practice repopulating the douche species.

Hope you're enjoying the start of summer weather!


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