Thursday, September 6, 2012

Why Americans Suck: Weight Loss Edition

So, I know I've written a little bit about why I hate diets, and I'm not the only person in the world to admit that they are completely asinine (see Jenna Marbles' video about diets here.)  But it's about time I expand on this rant.  Welcome to part one of why current American culture is screwed up in the head when it comes to being a healthy, normal human being. 

First of all, I'd like to take a good look at this whole "clean eating" nonsense.  "Eat real food!" captions every other Pinterest photo of a vegetable these days.  Oh, excuse me, what were you eating before?  The plastic sandwich from a Fisher Price play kitchen?  What is "un-real" food? 

I know like, all of you have your hands raised, butt bouncing out of the seat to answer my question.  "Real food isn't processed like McDonalds and Lean Cuisine and cookies!"  Very good, young grasshopper.  I am in full support of the concept of eating real food.  Or clean food.  (Trust me, anyone who has ever thought the 5-second-rule was okay for something and then ended up with a piece of lint in their mouth knows that un-clean food is not the way to go).  My issue is with the fact that Americans have to be told things that should just be common sense.  Eating an apple wasn't popular until it became a fad diet.  That's like if I started bottling air and selling it, and everyone started breathing expensive bottled air, and one day someone said "HEY GUYS, THE AIR IS FOR FREE IN THE ATMOSPHERE!".  The stupidity of my generation really just astounds me. 

I get asked quite often how I stay thin, and healthy, and beautiful, and gorgeous, blah blah blah.  People make money off of the secrets to being thin (Betheny's entire Skinny Girl empire).  I have definitely thought about marketing my "secrets to being thin and healthy."  Except... they're not secrets.  It makes me so infuriated whenever I see people pinning on Pinterested "OMG amazing weight loss secret!"  The "secret" is to get your lazy ass of Pinterest, run around the block, and don't make that crock-pot recipe that uses six cans of cream of mushroom soup... the "secret" is to use your brain.  It's not that difficult, people...

At least, I didn't think it was.  I guess I live in a culture who didn't grow up with a diabetic mother who is probably one of the last people with diabetes on the earth who isn't overweight.  I guess it's close-minded of me to assume that everyone was taught that vegetables have nutrients in them and eating carbs isn't a bad thing and that it's really not that hard to cook anything that comes in a Healthy Choice frozen meal...

So, here's my wight-loss-skinny-healthy-secret: stop being a dumb-ass, eat some carrots, and get your ass off social media sites once in a while.  You don't need that sixth cookie.  Buy ice cream in those small single-serving containers.  Or just use a little self discipline and don't eat the entire carton.  Stop starving yourself.  Eat breakfast.  Stop drinking soda.  And, finally, Pinterest-ing photos of Victoria's Secret models and eggplants are not going to help you achieve your goal weight or a healthy lifestyle.  Actually.  Go.  Do.  It. 


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