Tuesday, September 18, 2012

What Part of "I Have A Boyfriend" Do You Not Understand?

Alright.  I have a bone to pick with you guys.  And yes, I mean guys.  I may or may not have stumbled accross this peeve in prior posts, but it deserves to be revisited. 

What part of "I have a boyfriend" do you boys not understand? 

Let me put this into context for you all.  I just moved to a new city.  I know, like, a total of four people here.  I can be pretty introverted at times, but I also enjoy meeting people.  So, when I go out, that is usually what I end up doing.  And, let's just lay it all out on the table here: girls are catty bitches and usually don't go out to meet other girls.  So, that leaves humans of the male gender.  Now, let's get one thing clear.  I'm not going out flirting all over the place, batting my eye lashes to try and meet boys.  That is deinitely not what's happening.  It's more like, a friend of mine is talking to someone with a male friend. Or,there's a random guy in our "group".  Or, I'm getting a drink at the bar and the male next to me offers to buy it for me.  Or, they just come up to me and start talking to me.  I must have an inviting face or something.  The gist of it is, it's completely innocent and without poor or shady intentions that I end up in conversation with these guys. 

So then comes the typical-in-DC-introductory-conversation of what I do, who I work for, what my name is (yes, this question is not first), where I'm from, what I did for school, blah blah blah blah blah.  It's like sorority recruitment, except I don't have to stand there and talk to a potential new member for 20 minutes about what clubs she was involved with in high school.  (By the way, everyone was in Key Club, stop feeling so important.)  Oh, you want to buy me a beer?  Sure thing, buckaroo.  (That's another thing, sorority recruitment doesn't involve delicious beer.)  Somewhere in this conversation, I find the opportune time to mention my boyfriend.  My real and completely 100% existant boyfriend.  "Oh, yeah, my boyfriend is obsessed with Fantasy Football, too, it's practically all I ever hear about."  (And, let's just cover all bases... even if I didn't have a real boyfriend, shouldn't mentioning even a non-existant relationship be a red flag that I'm just not interested??)

I've always assumed the word "boyfriend" was like droping a conversational atomic bomb on the guy's Hiroshima parade.  In college, when I would slip in that I wasn't single-and-ready-to-mingle-in-your-frat-house-bunk-bed, guys would, (literally, I kid you not) do an about-face and peace the hell out of there.  Not in Washington, DC, folks! 

I always assumed that if I mentioned the whole I'm-in-a-faithful-relationship thing, guys would only continue to talk to me if they were just looking to make friends, too.  It doesn't seem to phase these guys, and I can't, for the life of me, tell if they're just really determined and inconsiderate, or actually well-intentioned and friendly.  I am horrendous at deciphering motivations lately.  I suppose I could just not even mess with it, but what am I supposed to do when I go out?  Sit in a corner and ignore everyone?  Trust me, even if I called a guy out and said "hey, I'm taken, don't waste your time," chances are he would come back with something like "that's not my objective, I'm just trying to be nice and buy you a drink, rude girl." 

In fact, I have called a guy out on being a little too nice to me.  I'm sorry, but mini golfing is not just "something new friends do," unless those friends are dating.  So, no, I will not go play mini golf with you.  (Also, I despise mini golfing.)  And I'm questioning your character considering I doubt you'd want your girlfriend going to play minigolf with some random new guy friend.  (In actuality, that is probably why you don't have said girlfriend... because you ask non-single girls on dates!). 

Okay, this has turned into quite a rant.  But, seriously, am I the most naive person in the entire world to think that guys can be friendly without shady intentions?  Is it incredibly childish of me to assume that telling someone I have a boyfriend should mean that they no longer pursue anything past a friendship with me?  Am I Anne Frank over here thinking people can really be good at heart?  (Did I just take it a little too far?) 

Help me out, guys.  I am pretty confused and clueless, and it's not making my meeting-new-friends efforts go any smoother. 


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