Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Rush Hour, minus Jackie Chan

That's it.  I've had it.  If you're in a peppy cheerful all-is-right-with-the-world-mood, then you might not want to read this rant I'm about to spew.  I promise it will be dripping with sarcasm though. 

I've had it with the traffic here.  And not just the traffic, but the drivers.  Now, I know you're probably saying "oh my god traffic is so bad where I live, everyone is seven thousand years old and drives like morons and rush hour is soooo packed I have to go 45 instead of 65 on the highway."  Shut up.  I don't care where you live, or how bad you think your traffic situation is.  It is nothing compared to the DC metro area.  Ask anyone who's tried to get from Van Dorn to the Hill any time between 7:30 and 9:30am.  Ask any poor soul who's been stuck on the 395 for an hour and a half for what would have taken 15 minutes sans obnoxious traffic.  I kid you not, people.  This is traffic on a whole other level. 

It's not just that there are a lot of cars on the same roads trying to get to the same places and the same times.  It's that everyone who is driving on those roads is stupid.  Idiotic.  The only requirement for getting a drivers license in Northern Virginia, Maryland, or the District is that you have to see over the steering wheel and reach the pedals.  It has to be. 

If you've never been to the area, let me paint you the picture.  Imagine everything is highways.  And all those highways merge into and off of each other.  And in the process of this merging, you could go from a 3-lane local street to a one-lane highway ramp that merges with another one-lane highway ramp, resulting in a two-lane yield-and-merge situation that must merge into one lane and then merge into a three or four lane highway.  I say three or four because the jackasses that built the roads just end lanes whenever they damn well please.  As if that isn't annoying enough, no one actually understands the simple task of merging.  I get that we're all in a hurry to our very important jobs with the government... but so am I, and so is that Toyota you just cut off, and so is that guy from New York picking his nose as he sits with his blinker on for 3 miles trying to get to his exit. 

Not to mention, everyone merges on, gets into the "fast lane" on the left, (which goes 20 MPH instead of the routine15MPH the other lanes travel).  That's fine.  Ride the fast lane.  Go fast.  Don't let me see your brake lights.  And good god, woman, plan accordingly when your exit is coming up.  I don't think this town has seen a hot-headed Italian girl get out of her car and raise hell because someone decided to cut across all four lanes at the last possible minute to make their exit.  It's coming, one of these days.  The most irking part of it is that it's always the Virginia and Maryland license plates that pull this stunt.  I've lived here for a month and I know when my exit is coming up.  You've liked her long enough to have a permanent tag on your car, you best know where you're going. 

I told you I was going to rant.  I've honestly run out of profanities to yell at the cars during my commute.  And you better hope you don't have a bumper sticker, school pride logo, or out-of-area license plate, or I'm going to come up with something very offensive to yell to my windshield pertaining to your interests.  "Pick a lane you hippie white water rafting ding-a-ling!  Please go drive your canoe that terribly... right off Niagara Falls!" 

In a month, we will be moving closer to the city, so my commuting rants will probably switch to people-watching tales on the metro.  Till then...


No comments:

Post a Comment