Monday, October 15, 2012

Yellow Brick Road

Good Evening, Washingtonnnnnn!

No, am I the only person that's seen that Robin Williams gem?  Guess so...

Anyways, driving home today, I was on the phone (legally, with my hands-free device, A.K.A. iPhone headphones, which I could have sworn used to be illegal...) and I dropped the call approximately 6 bajillion times.  Why, you ask?  Do I drive through tunnels?  Was I in elevators?  Was a huge metal roof suddenly constructed above Interstate 395?

Nay, nay, nay.  It is simply because I live in the District of Colombia and the surrounding suburban areas.  And when Monsieur L'Enfant designed this city, he built the infrastructure out of Popsicle sticks, paper clips, and chewing gum.  You think I'm kidding.  Except I'm not.  I swear I saw some Velcro holding a speeding camera on a stoplight last week... So when it drizzles, everything goes to crap.

This city (and when I say city I'm including Northern Virginia and that unfortunate state of Maryland) has the most horrendous infrastructure I've ever witnessed.  For example, this summer, soon after I moved, a bad rain storm hit the area.  By "bad rain storm" I mean a lot of rain and thunder and some lightening and then it was over after a few hours.  And then everyone lost power for a week.  Like, are the power lines made out of licorice up here?

If this was Florida, and a category 5 hurricane was approaching, everyone would simply scotch tape some Xs on their windows and head to the nearest 7-11 for some beer.  And then, during the storm, everyone would watch TV and chug every time a weather alert beeps on the bottom of the screen.  And a tropical storm?  Pfftttt, that's just a heads up for everyone to grab their surf boards and head to Cocoa Beach.  Really, Virginia, you can't handle a rain storm?  More like Vir-gina.

Don't even get me started on how half the stop-lights are so faded and dimly lit that I can't tell if it's working at all.  And they're on the sides of the street, and oddly places when streets merge.  I've probably ran some red lights just because I have had no clue which of the 5 stop-light-poles corresponds with my lane/direction.

Anyways, I'm terrified for my birthday to come around... I'll probably topple the Monument right over blowing out the candles on my cake.


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